WHEN THE DOGS TOOK OVER THE RANCH
by Andy Nelson
The day that the dogs took over the ranch,
Was a day just like the others;
They figured they had all the help they needed,
With all their sisters and brothers.
So, they fired the people and sent them away,
And divvied the chores between dogs;
Each of them having at least some expertise,
In caring for cattle and hogs.
The Border Collie was voted the foreman,
The Aussie was next in command;
And barked out orders to the rest of the pack,
“Oy, muster the doggies at hand.”
“Aye, get off yer bahoochies,” snapped a Sheltie,
The Kelpie yelped, “Good on ya, mate;
No one could understand the Catahoula,
As he sat there blocking the gate.
An English sheep dog woofed, “I’ll watch the woolies,”
“For this purpose, I’ve been tutored;”
The Heeler howled, “I’ll take care of the Sheilas,”
Even though he had been neutered.
And they did just fine for a while on the ranch,
Everything seemed hunky dory;
Til one day a snotty scotty terrier,
Marked another’s territory.
Then they all began to bark more and wag less,
And it came to a fever pitch;
When the Dachshund was fired the day after he called
the boss’s sister a bitch.
The Pyrenees chased off the coyote cousins,
For eating some of the chickens;
The Labradoodle phoned the SPCA;
From there the plot only thickens.
Cuz someone made fun of the Shih Tzu’s haircut,
And called him a mop with four feet;
Then they all had to take some workplace training,
And learn how to be more discreet.
It all fell apart when the Chihuahua got stuck,
Trying to clear a blocked rumen;
“Ah bloody hell,” snapped an indigent Corgi,
“We’re in dire need of a human.”
The Collie growled, “Let’s not be too hasty chaps,
I’m not sure that we need those bums;
I think a chimpanzee would do in a pinch,
All we really need are some thumbs.”
© 2018, Andy Nelson, used with permission
This poem should not be reposted or reprinted without permission
Pinedale, Wyoming’s Andy Nelson is a second-generation farrier, cowboy poet, emcee, humorist, rodeo announcer, and co-host (with his brother Jim) of the popular syndicated Clear Out West (C.O.W.) radio show.
“When the Dogs Took Over the Ranch is on new CD, Uncle Charlie and the Squeeze Chute of Death. Find more about it in a brief review along with another poem from the CD, “You Can Learn a Lot from a Cowboy,” in a recent post here.
This photo of Stubby is courtesy of Andy Nelson.
This weekend Andy Nelson is at the Western Legends Roundup in Kanab, Utah, along with Jared Rogerson, The Bellamy Brothers, and much more. Sam DeLeeuw oversees cowboy poetry at The Barn at the Parry Lodge.
See Andy next at the 27th annual Old West Days Nebraska Cowboy Poetry Gathering, September 27-30, 2018 in Valentine, Nebraska. He is a featured performer, joining Jean and Gary Prescott, Campfire Concerto with Paul Larson, Chuck Larsen, and Sam Noble.
Find Andy Nelson’s complete schedule and more at cowpokepoet.com.
(Please respect copyright. You can share this poem and photo with this post, but for other uses, request permission.)